Back in the Soldier's Bed Read online

  “A hang-on from the past, that’s all.”

  It had the desired effect: her eyes dropped and shoulders relaxed.

  He should let it end there, but he hated knowing he’d hurt her in any way. “I still want you to come to the air show on Saturday. We’re still going to parent Emma, and I meant what I said. We should be friends.”

  “Friends would be the mature thing to do,” she agreed, but the light had gone out of her eyes.

  It was better now, he reasoned. A small disappointment now versus a big one later.

  “I need to get back to the base.”

  “I need to get back to work, too. I’ve probably taken too much time as it is.”

  Shannyn picked up her cup. The mocha flavoured mixture had lost its appeal. She’d obviously misread his signals from before. Foolishly she’d let herself hope that maybe she still meant something to him. This morning his touch had been so tender, so gentle. And fantasy had gotten the best of her and she’d indulged in an image of the three of them—herself, Jonas, Emma—all together, happy and strong.

  What she’d done is let herself be foolish and forget all the reasons why she and Jonas wouldn’t work. He was right. She still resented him for leaving and despite moments of accord, she knew he couldn’t put aside the fact that she’d kept Emma hidden from him.

  Apparently he hadn’t had the same vision of familial bliss. She wasn’t surprised. He hadn’t wanted those things before, either. It wasn’t his fault she’d let silly fancy sweep her away after a few kisses. She needed to do what she’d always done. Make sure Emma was safe, secure, and happy.

  If being friends with Jonas was the way to do that, she’d do it. Even if it killed her.

  They were outside in the glaring brilliance of late morning, when a call interrupted their steps.

  “Sergeant Kirkpatrick!”

  Jonas and Shannyn turned as a fresh-faced young man jogged up. Like Jonas, he was dressed in ordinary combats, only two stripes on his sleeve instead of the three that Jonas sported.

  “Good morning, Corporal.” Jonas smiled.

  “I’m glad I ran into you,” the young soldier grinned. “I’m sorting a few things before I leave tomorrow.”

  “You’re shipping out?” Shannyn interjected.

  He looked at her, the smile never leaving his face. “Yes ma’am. The Sergeant—he was my instructor. I’m headed for Petawawa in the morning.”

  “I see.”

  “Good luck to you, Corporal Benner.” Jonas held out his hand. “Give ’em hell.”

  “Count on it.”

  When the Corporal seized Jonas’s hand, Jonas seemed to age in that moment. Shannyn realized that the effusive youth before her was a man ready to do a man’s job, with an infectious enthusiasm she recalled seeing on Jonas’s face that same summer he’d gone to Edmonton. When she looked up at Jonas, she was surprised to see a mixture of pride, enthusiasm, and longing beaming from his features.

  He hadn’t changed. Not that much.

  “You look like you wish you could go with him,” she teased.

  The men broke hands and Jonas looked down at her. “Maybe I do…but those days seem to be over.”

  “Oh, I don’t know,” Corporal Benner joked. “I saw you running on the course the other day, and the leg’s looking great.” The young man turned his attention to Shannyn. “Sergeant Kirkpatrick is something of a hero on base, ma’am. Best shot in the country, if the rumors are true.”

  “Benner,” Jonas started to protest.

  “Not many men do what he’s done and live to tell about it ma’am, and that’s the truth. It’s too bad he’s not still out in the field. We all count ourselves the luckiest bast…fellas in the army to have him as a teacher.”

  “Corporal Benner.” Jonas said more firmly.

  “Sorry, Sarge.” Benner looked a little sheepish, but not enough to resist throwing Shannyn a wink. “But it’s true.”

  He held out his hand to Jonas again. “I’ve got to get going, but thanks again, Sergeant Kirkpatrick.

  “Good luck, Benner.”

  “Thanks. Ma’am.” He nodded at Shannyn before jogging away.

  “He’s had his caffeine this morning,” Shannyn laughed lightly. She was still reeling from all that the young soldier had said. Jonas was a hero. He’d done great things. Things he refused to talk about.

  “He’s young, and full of piss and vinegar,” Jonas responded, his face clouding. “Give him a few weeks in combat and that’ll all change.”

  “Like it did for you?”

  He didn’t answer. They resumed their steps, walking back to the clinic.

  “Jonas? Are you really a hero?”

  He snorted, a humourless chuckle of irony. “Hardly.”

  “Then why would Corporal Benner say it?”

  He wouldn’t look at her. “It’s just rumors.”

  He was hiding something, but she didn’t know what. She wondered what he might have done that constituted hero status.

  “Rumours are usually grounded in some sort of truth. Are you really the best shot in the army?”

  He kept walking, his gait even and steady. “There’s an official sniping record in place. It’s not my name on it.”

  “Unofficially?”

  He angled his head in her direction, a wry smile cracking his stony expression at her tenacity and insight. “Unofficially is another story.”

  She couldn’t stop the beam of pride that shot through her at his admission. It was what he’d wanted, when he’d been younger and idealistic like Benner. It made her proud to know he’d accomplished his goal.

  “And you really did run the other day?”

  “Yeah.”

  They were back at the parking lot, and their steps slowed as they reached his truck.

  “Thanks for the coffee,” she said.

  “You’re welcome. I’m…I’m glad we got things straightened out. I think it’ll be better for everyone if we keep things clear. If we keep things friendly between us. Consistent for Emma.”

  He wanted friends.

  Shannyn looked up into his eyes, wishing he’d look at her again the way he had once. Free of shutters and caution. Hungry to drink in the sight of her face like she was his. She was more certain than ever that Jonas had done great things, even if he refused to talk about it. Every day, as his recovery progressed, she sensed a greater strength in him. It was hard not to be attracted to that. Even harder to resist a man who was concerned about consistency for her daughter. It was all she’d ever wanted. It was hard to hate him for pushing her aside, when it was clearly to Emma’s benefit.

  “We’re still good for Saturday?”

  “We’re good.” He smiled. “Tell Emma I’m looking forward to it.”

  “I will.”

  Their gazes clung for a few seconds and her heart lifted. Because no matter what came out of his mouth, his eyes said there was something more.

  He climbed into the truck and started the engine. As she watched him drive away, she wished she weren’t looking forward to it quite so much.

  Chapter 9

  When Shannyn answered the doorbell, Jonas was surprised to see both she and Emma dressed in red and white.

  Shannyn’s hair was plaited in an intricate braid, revealing the pale curve of her neck. For a brief second, he remembered how she’d felt in his arms just a few days ago. Her long legs extended beneath the hem of her shorts and ended with cute white tennis shoes. Legs that had been folded up into his lap as she’d pressed her chest to his. He longed to run his fingers over the smooth length of them.

  This was ridiculous. He was here for an outing, nothing more. He’d made it perfectly clear during their coffee date that more wasn’t possible. No matter what he truly felt. Protecting her was more important than his attraction.

  “I didn’t realize you’d take the festivities quite this seriously,” he joked, looking down at Emma. Despite their similar dress of white shorts and red T-shirts, he realized again how much Em
ma resembled him and it filled him with paternal joy. He remembered seeing pictures of himself as a small boy. The eyes, the curls, the shape of the lips…there was no doubt Emma was his daughter and he warmed at the shaft of pride he felt knowing it.

  Spending today with Shannyn, too, was probably not the smartest move, but he was determined to enjoy this one last indulgence. Soon she’d see that Emma could spend time with him alone and these family scenes would come to an end. It would be the smart thing to do.

  “You look great. I didn’t realize you’d dress up, so I brought something for you to put on before we go.” He held out a small bag, handed it to Emma. She reached inside and pulled out a flat package covered in plastic.

  “Tattoos!”

  He smiled. He hadn’t been able to resist the temporary tattoos at the store where he’d stopped for snacks on his way to the house.

  “Should we put them on?”

  “Mama?”

  Jonas smiled at the indulgent way Shannyn looked at Emma. When she turned her warm gaze back to him, his grin broadened. It would be a different sort day than they’d spent together before, but he was no less happy with it. Maybe there wouldn’t be swimming followed by fireworks on a blanket…but he could see she hadn’t lost her sense of fun. He had worried about there being atmosphere between them today. So much had happened since his last visit with Emma. Perhaps Shannyn had taken his admonition to stay friends for Emma’s sake to heart.

  Shannyn held open the door. “Why not? Come on in.”

  Emma went first, choosing to have a flower tattooed on her cheek. “Very cool,” Jonas complimented. Emma spun to rush to the bathroom and check the mirror. When Jonas looked back, Shannyn was waiting for him with tattoo and sponge at the ready.

  “Where do you want it?”

  “Oh, I don’t need one.”

  Emma came running back. “Yes you do, Daddy! You need a tattoo!”

  The tattoos were a mixture of butterflies, bees, and flowers. He hadn’t planned on having one himself, but who could resist Emma’s hopeful eyes?

  “How about these flowers?” Shannyn asked, her eyes sparkling.

  “No thanks.” A quick glance at Emma showed disappointment on her features. “Maybe a bumblebee?”

  “Yay, Daddy!”

  He met Shannyn’s gaze. “On my cheek too, I guess. I didn’t have time to change after working this morning, so it won’t be visible anywhere else.”

  Shannyn took the tattoo from the packet, a nice, fat bumblebee. Suddenly his combat jacket seemed tight, constricting. When her cool fingers touched his skin, he held his breath. She was so gentle. Standing so close, the tip of her tongue between her teeth as she concentrated, she rubbed the temporary sticker with the damp sponge.

  He wondered what it would be like to kiss her again. Stop thinking about it, you fool, he fretted to himself. Two kisses had been more than enough to tell him he was in dangerous territory. He’d been the one to put on the brakes, and he’d do well to remember it. It had been the right decision. No matter how she made him feel, he knew it was better all around this way. He wasn’t capable of more. There could be no kisses or meaningful touches.

  Before he could think about it further, she stepped away. “There you go. All done.”

  Shannyn put the sponge down on the counter. What had started out as a fun game had suddenly changed. As soon as she’d touched the smooth skin of his cheek, she’d been reminded of the way he’d kissed her at his apartment. Without prelude, without apology. Like the years between them hadn’t happened. The way he’d cupped her neck and she’d crawled into his lap on Thursday.

  “What about you?” he asked hoarsely.

  She swallowed. The last thing she needed right now was him touching her, in any way. She took the last tattoo, pressed it against her arm. “I can do my own. Why don’t you take Emma out and buckle her in?”

  “Shannyn, I…”

  Shannyn looked up from her arm, holding the paper against the skin, nerves skittering after touching him so innocently. “I know. I get it. Friends, Jonas.”

  He paused, his eyes unsure. Shannyn made herself hold her ground. It was tempting to want to know what he’d meant to say, but the boundaries had been set and the more she thought about it, the more she realized it was the right approach.

  “I’m glad you’re coming,” he finished, looking away.

  She was glad too. Too glad. At first seeing him had been a shock, then a complication she didn’t want. And then something had changed. She’d stopped resenting him quite so much. Had started thinking of him while she lay in bed at night. More than thinking—fantasizing. Enough that she’d ended up pleasuring herself when the ache became too much.

  But there was Emma to consider, and Shannyn had been hurt badly enough that there was some comfort in being friends. It was safer. It was still complicated, maybe even more than it had been in the beginning. But it was because the more she saw him the more she was reminded of how much there had been between them. How much there still was between them. She’d promised herself she’d be strong. It was proving more difficult with each day. She had such a weakness for him. Nothing had changed for her, except now she was unwilling to risk her heart. She’d jumped in recklessly the first time, and it was a lesson well-learned. She’d tested those waters the other day over coffee, and it had reinforced her knowledge that she couldn’t go through a full-fledged break-up with him again. Not ever.

  Nothing had changed for Jonas either, and that was the sticking point. He hadn’t cared enough to make a life with her before, and he’d made it clear on Thursday that he still didn’t. Only as Emma’s parents, and that was the sum of their relationship.

  But it didn’t stop her from caring, not when he looked at her the way he was looking at her right now.

  “I’ll be right out,” she whispered, not trusting herself to say more.

  Jonas took Emma to the truck. When Shannyn joined them a few minutes later, she couldn’t help but smile at Emma’s chatter. She threw out questions at a mile a minute. Where were they going to watch from? What sorts of planes would there be? Would it be noisy? Had he flown in any of them? Jonas happily answered all her questions and Shannyn listened to his answers, with Emma sandwiched happily between them.

  Emma’s non-stop talking kept the truck from being too quiet and within a few minutes they had crossed the bridge and found parking on the north side of the river.

  “I thought the crowd would be smaller on this side,” he explained, reaching behind the bench seat for an army blanket.

  “This is fine,” Shannyn answered, and they made their way to an empty space on the grass.

  Jonas spread the blanket and Shannyn felt strangely like they were on a regular family outing. It didn’t matter that their family wasn’t a “normal” family unit. Looking around, the scene was much the same. Parents out with children, spreading blankets and handing out water bottles and juice boxes. Others sat in couples, but all waited to see the aircraft fly one by one up the river’s path. Some would perform stunts; others would simply showcase their aeronautical abilities and impressive structures. Sitting down on the blanket, she watched Jonas strip his jacket. He leaned back on his arms and soaked up the summer sun.

  “You look rested,” Shannyn commented, assuming a similar pose.

  “I feel rested. Better than I have in a long time.”

  “Mama! There’s a hot dog cart!” Emma bounded over and tugged on Shannyn’s finger. “Can I get one?”

  Jonas sat back up and reached into his jacket for keys. “I can’t believe I forgot. I brought a bag of food and left it in the truck.”

  Shannyn put a hand on his arm. “You stay and enjoy the sun. Emma and I will go.” She took the keys from his hand.

  He watched them go with a smile. Looking across the green, his eyes fell on a young couple. The man was in combats, like Jonas. He had blond hair and an easy way about him that reminded him of Chris Parker.

  The muscles in Jonas’s should
ers tightened. It wasn’t fair that he was here with Shannyn, and their daughter, enjoying a summer’s afternoon. He wanted it both ways. He kept insisting there could be nothing between them, but at the first opportunity he was with her, enjoying her company. He listened to the birds in the elms and maples, his eyes staring up into the cloudless blue sky. What really wasn’t fair was that Parker wouldn’t ever feel the sun on his face again. And yet Jonas was here. Free. Healthy. With a family he never knew he had. It didn’t seem right to him.

  Didn’t seem right without his best friend.

  Dust. Everywhere, on his skin, in his hair, in his mouth.

  “I’ve got him at the door.” Chris’s hushed murmur came from beside him.

  “I’ve got him, Park.”

  “You’re clear. Take the shot.”

  The mid-afternoon sun was unrelenting and he blinked against a bead of sweat that trickled into his eye.

  He squeezed the trigger, heard the echo of the shot. Seconds later he saw the body fall through his scope.

  “Damn,” Parker murmured, still keeping his voice low. “Over twenty-six hundred. How’s it feel to hold the new record?”

  Jonas angled a wry look over his shoulder. “It feels classified.”

  He laughed quietly and they slid back down the embankment, efficiently folding their gear and packing it.

  “Good job today. Make sure you’ve got your canteen. We’ve got five miles to hike before we’re picked up and we’re already behind.”

  Two hours later they were back with the company they’d been assigned to. And thirty minutes after that, they were all heading back to the Air Field where they’d meet up with the platoon.

  “Daddy! We got the bag!”

  Jonas came out of the memory with a start and struggled to appear normal. Normal. That was a joke.

  Shannyn reached the blanket, and he knew he hadn’t covered up completely because her expression clearly said she knew something was up.

  “Emma, why don’t you go look at the ducks for a moment while I talk to Jonas? We’ll have a snack soon.”